im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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