Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
