Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
