I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
