Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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