Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
