he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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