The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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