You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
