I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
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