I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
