Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
