dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Randomize
