That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
