Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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