I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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