you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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