Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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