I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
