70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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