so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
