I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
