I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
