I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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