Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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