hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
You can't just leave with hair like that
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
