Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
