Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
