i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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