You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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