Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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