The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
