What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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