Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
The ass gains better be worth it
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