Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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