Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i will never coherently bang her
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
