dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I touched a dick in church today
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
