I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Randomize
