She's like a pop up book from hell.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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