it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
farters have to be the big spoon...
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
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