how can u be prego again
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
