need another drink. this is the easiest way
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Randomize
