you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
The best revenge is premature balding
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
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