I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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