Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
