A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
