Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
