Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
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