There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
