She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I wear drunk well.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
